FRIDAY THE 13TH: JASON TAKES THE PANCAKE POWER RANKINGS

What a scary week one for a few managers as some big names hit the injured list and it was one of the worst fantasy passing weeks of this century.

...as far as you know. 

Shocking, right? You think that's scary? Well, let's dive on into this week's Power Rankings brought to you by The Wiz...Nobody Beats the Wiz

14) Beats by Rhamondre (0-1, PR:12)- Not a great week one. A bottom three finish in total points, plus injury concerns for Achane and Fergulicious entering week two lands ya at the bottom of the Power Rankings brought to you by The Wiz...Nobody Beats the Wiz. Still better than being at the bottom of Crystal Lake, right? Speaking of...team names...referencing things at the bottom of bodies of water....

13) Daniel Jones' Locker (1-0, PR:14)- New team name was almost assuredly gonna push Don up in the Power Rankings brought to you by The Wiz...Nobody Beats the Wiz as is, but a win didn't hurt either. I'm partly kidding. Yes, it's only one spot as we want to Kupp, er keep, expectations reasonable. And the musical chairs of "mediocre" quarterbacks seems like a scary game to play week to week.

12) Sam and the Mitchells (0-1, PR:11)- We're not gonna sugarcoat things, week one was not Purdy for Sam and the Mitchells but has led to a momentary genre switch, with their new country single, Purdy Sure it's Noah Fant-asy. A week two matchup against Beats by Rhamondre could be just what they need to turn things around!

11) Cobra Kyler (0-1, PR:10)- Not the start they were hoping for by any means, as Joe Burrow was directing quite the horror movie in week one. The key is not to overreact, Will, it's only week one.

10) Inglorious Staffords (1-0, PR:13)- A nice week one win and I actually think you Vedder watch out for this team in week two and beyond, because before you know it this team could be...

9) I spent money on this? (1-0, PR:9)- You'd think a nice week one win, with the 3rd highest point total would scare up a higher spot in the Power Rankings brought to you by The Wiz...Nobody Beats the Wiz, right? Well unfortunately...

Yeah, I know it's obvious, and not my best work, but when they set you perfectly, you have to spike it home, no matter the level of difficulty. But in all seriousness, Love's Labour's Lost for this squad could make for a frightening next several weeks.

8) Team Johnson (0-1, PR:7)- Egads! This team lost by the lowest margin of the week. Favored to win, entering the Sunday night game, before being completely Kupp-ended. Obviously, some bright spots there for sure and good things may be on the horizon, starting in week two!

7) GTFeens (0-1, PR:8)- This team ran into a buzzsaw in week one

We've all been there. 

I wish I could guarantee things would get better in week two, but they have tough matchup against Hurts Carr Rental and that could be a real slobberknocker. 

6) Dark Mondays (0-1, PR:1)- They better hope this will be their darkest Monday of the season because week one was dark AF, as the kids say. Sure, sure, the zero points from Christian McCaffrey is a big reason for the rough week, but it was looking less than great even before that. McCaffrey is still questionable for week two and although I am basing this on pre-week two games, should acknowledge this team's only starting QB is Tua, soooo, maybe, quite possibly...

5) Hurts Carr Rental (1-0, PR:5)- Was a light week one performance, but a win's a win and this team should fare much better in week two and could come down to seeing if it Hurts so good on Monday night!

4) Team CoachB5353 (1-0, PR:4)- Number two in points scored in week one, the sky is the limit, as it were! Or is it? Coach will now be without Puka Nacua though, meaning he will have to Pick-a New-queue-a of players to rotate through the FLEX spot. Seems like the depth may be okay to weather this storm...or squall...or whatever, so lookout everyone, objects in your rearview are closer than they appear.

3) Weakened Warriors (1-0, PR:3)- Not a flashy week one win...ahhh, weakened win as it were? Anyways week two looks like an enticing matchup against an actually weakened team that Matty might turn into his doormat...ty. No? Meh. Moving on.  

2) Unnecessary Ruffians (0-1, PR:2)- Though they had nice week, the loss made it a hard for the Power Rankings brought to you by The Wiz...Nobody Beats the Wiz to move this team up to the top spot. But 4th in scoring while managing to avoid the injury bug (mostly, but Njoku is behind Kittle at TE) has them with the highest projected score in week two, so...

Plus, their opponent this week is...

1) Team jeeleefish (1-0, PR:6)- Let's be very clear, the precedent is not beat the #1 team in the previous power rankings with the top score of the week and you earn the top spot, though that can't hurt. It just happened to be how it worked out this week. There is extensive data and formulas and algorithms...bribes don't hurt...but mostly the data-ing to get here. 

They face Unnecessary Ruffians in week two and as mentioned above that is no easy W, in fact it's the BOOM! Tough actin' Tinactin Game of the Week!

This one has all the makings of a classic that could come down to Monday Night Football. AJ Brown  and Koo-koo-kick-choo on one side against Saquon and Elliott on the other, in a tag team battle for the week two belt (belt not included)!

Alright, that concludes your Week Two  Power Rankings brought to you by The Wiz...Nobody Beats the Wiz. Good luck to everyone but Andrew! See ya again soon!